Everybody Needs A Sidekick!
by Aurora Marija
Summary: Okay, this is a crack fic, but it's really hilarious. Each chapter focuses on a diff. character in their desperate attempts to be cool and get a cell phone, and stop a certain someone from stealing all the phones in the land. Flames accepted!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, now before anybody freaks out- yes, this is a crack fic. There won't be any character bashing, but characters will be out-of-character, and doing crazy things. I mean no offense- some of the characters in this story are my favs, so heck, you know it's all meant in fun! THis story was made in collaboration with oDeidarao, who is an awesome writer, and damn funny..

Anyway, this chapter will focus on Itachi, and the _real_ reason why he killed his family. But first, you're gonna see some hilarious interaction with Sasuke, and then craziness at Akatsuki. Enjoy! And please review, good or bad! Flames accepted, 'cause they help us improve..

So you don't get confused, bolded leters at beginnings of paragraphs mean that there's time change- aka something is happening later on. I'd just indent paragraphs, and put 2 spaces between them, but that doesn't work, so I settled for the bolded lettering. Italics indicate a flashback; unless it's just 1 italic word in the sentence, and then it just means that the person speaking is emphasizing that particular word. Yep, I think that's it. If anything else in the story confuses you, let me know, and I'll clarify it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or any of the characters, names, places, etc. in the series. Masashi Kishimoto does.

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_**Everybody Needs A Sidekick!**_

_**Chapter 1**_

"**H**ey, give me back my cell phone jackass", Sasuke yelled. "Foolish little brother, you're too young to have a cell phone. Heh. You're only three and a half", Itachi said. "I'm twelve! Now hand it over!", exclaimed Sasuke. Itachi swooshed his hair and walked off. Sasuke stood there stunned for a moment, and then yelled after his brother, "Get back here you bastard! Give me my cell phone! I'll kill you!" Itachi just shunshined away, back to Akatsuki headquarters, to collect his other 300 cell phones.

**D**eidara sat on the couch and said to Itachi, "You got it?...yeah." Itachi glared at her and said, "Well of course.. I would never let my little brother have this unsafe cell phone. I mean really. Some stranger could call him." Deidara stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about! You were supposed to go to the store and buy milk...yeah!" "I had more important things to attend to.", Itachi said, turning on the TV to ignore Deidara. Deidara sat up and yelled, "Kisame! Kisame! Get over here… yeah! I need you to go buy milk!" Deidara waited. "Yeah?" Itachi looked at her and said, "No."

**N**aruto walked to the store with his pocket filled with money. "Ha! I knew it was a good idea to bribe Sakura into giving me money! And to think she believed I'd buy something for Sasuke. Mwahahaha!" Naruto walked into the store, and to his surprise he saw Sasuke crying over by the cell phone displays. "Yo, dude, why the hell are you here! And why are you crying!", Naruto exclaimed. "Do you want me to lecture you! It helped everyone else…" Sasuke glared at him, then went back to staring at the cell phones. "It's too horrible! You'd never understand dobe! You never had a cell phone so you'll never understand!" Sasuke then ran out of the store crying. Naruto went to the counter and yelled, "I want a cell phone!" The cashier stood there and stared at him, and then he said, "Hold on." He walked into another room and then came back out. "You're not authorized to have a cell phone. This document clearly states that any male with blonde hair is considered a dumb blonde. And everyone knows that dumb blondes can handle keeping their cell phone safe. Now get out of my store!", said the cashier. Naruto left the store in anger and disappointment.

**B**ack at Akatsuki Headquarters, Deidara was still yelling, "Kisame! Kisame! Get your ass over here right now…yeah!" Deidara, got up and left the room, disgusted, and went to look for Kisame, then heard loud rap coming from Sasori's room. Poking her head back into the living room, she said, "Itachi, do you hear that.. yeah?" Itachi glared at her, "Shut up."

Deidara gave him a dirty look and went into Sasori's room. "Ah!", she yelled. Sasori was rapping, "Yo, yo, yo ,yo! Today I ate a cheese and then I sneezed! I went to the, beach, and then I met a bully. He kicked a bottle right into my face. And then I kicked him in his ass!" Then Kisame started singing, "Ahh! I am so beautiful! I dance with the butterflies! And I sing with the birds!" Sasori looked at him with a w-t-f look. "Dude. This is a rap video! Not a Disney movie!" Kisame gasped. "But I wanted to be Snow White! Ya know? The girl with the black hair. And she sings and--"

"Shut-up Kisame!" Sasori looked at Zetsu. "Stop filming! As you can clearly see, this music video was over a long time ago!" Zetsu stopped filming, and then he said, "Well if he's not rapping then why let him be in it! Why not let me be in the music video!" Sasori looked at him disgust, "You're a plant freak! And I'm not even gonna consider having you in my coolio music video." Zetsu left the room crying. And then Tobi picked up the camera. "Hey can I—" Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu(even though he was crying in the hall), Kisame, and even Itachi(back in the living room, with TV blasting) said, "NO!" Tobi gave them all a stare and sat in the corner talking to himself. "But… Tobi is a good boy…"

"Yo, Deidara why you be messin' wit my video!" Sasori said. "Kisame needs to go to the store and buy milk we're all out…..yeah." Deidara threw the car keys to Kisame, glaring at him, and then said, "Oh and, Sasori. It's not that I don't want you to have fun. It's just that you're 60. Don't cha' think you're a little old to be rapping?" Sasori looked at the floor in disappointment, and said sadly, "I'm not old." Deidara then yelled, "KISAME GO GET THE DAMN MILK! YEAH!" Kisame rushed out the door, one of Deidara's clay birds following him and pecking at his head. Sasori jumped up and said, "WHAT! WE'RE OUT OF MILK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET CALCIUM!" Deidara shook her head and walked out of the room, leaving Sasori yelling, and Tobi talking to himself, and then she passed Zetsu crying in the hallway. "Eh, I'm going out, with my best friend Garden Elf Gnome. I'm meeting him at the movies in his village." Itachi said, "Ugh. You're always going everywhere with Garden Elf Gnome! Why don't you ever go to the movies with me, or Sasori!" Deidara walked out the door saying, "You'd never understand… yeah. …And I do go with Sasori, once a week- we just don't invite you 'cause you suck."

Itachi got up and called to Sasori, "I'm going out for a while." Itachi walked into his room and opened his closet. He took out 57 boxes and laid them on his bed. "Damned parents," Itachi said. "All because they wouldn't let me have a damn cell phone." He paused. "I remember it all so clearly…."

"_**W**ow! The new cell phone came out today! I bet everybody has one! And I'm gonna ask Mommy and Daddy if I can get the new side kick too!" Itachi ran into the house in excitement. _

"_Okaasan, Otousan! I want you to buy me something! It's something that I really need!" His mother smiled, "Well c'mon Itachi tell us what you want." She smiled lightly. "I want that new Side-Kick cell phone!" His mother fainted, and his father almost choked on the pocky he was eating. His father got himself back together and said, "No! Do you understand how responsible you have to be to have a cell phone!" Itachi sadly said, "Why! All of my friends have it, and even Rikimaru the ugliest, and most stupid of all the ANBU! And he got a Side-Kick. And now he has a girlfriend!" His father looked at him angrily, "And that my son, is the reason why you will never get a cell phone as long as you live in my house under my rules! Now go to your room!" Itachi walked into his room extremely depressed. _

_**T**he next day Itachi went to his friend's house, where he bought a side kick with his $5000 of life savings. He played around with it all the way home, happy that his friend was so generous to sell it to him. _

_**T**hat night at home he went on the internet with his new Side-Kick, while talking to his new girlfriend Deidara, who he'd met earlier while she was vacationing in Konoha. Nothing could pull him away from the splendor of his amazing new cell phone. _

_**L**ater, his father and mother came back from a clan meeting- a meeting he was supposed to attend after he returned from an ANBU meeting earlier in the day. His father pounded on Itachi's door, trying to get him to open up and explain his absence, but Itachi was too caught up in playing games, talking with hot girls, and downloading illegal music to notice his father pounding on his door. _

_After 10 minutes of this, Itachi's father was so furious that he broke down Itachi's door. And he saw his Side-Kick. Itachi had tried his best to hide it when he was surprised by the door crashing down in front of him, but on of the girls he'd been talking to on speaker phone started saying, "Itachi?.. You there?...", giving away the cell phone's position. _

_His father went nuts and took Itachi's cell phone and flushed it down the toilet, then took his PS2, PS3, X-Box, X-Box 360, Game Boy, DS, Game Cube, and computer and burned them with a fire jutsu. Then he took the CD's Itachi had burned using his side kick and a computer tower, which had taken him all day. And now his father was really going to 'burn' his CD's. Itachi just stood by, staring quietly, while all of his stuff was burned. In his mind, Itachi was thinking, 'All that stuff…. It cost me 20,000 bucks… That fucking bastard!...'_

_**T**he next day, Itachi was walking to ANBU headquarters for a mission assignment, when he saw his best friend Shisui standing on the bridge near his house. "Hey, Itachi! Where's the Sidekick I sold ya!..." Itachi stared at the ground as though he was trying to burn a hole into the sidewalk with his eyes. "It's probably in the ocean by now..", he muttered. Itachi told him the whole story while he walked to ANBU headquarters. Shisui laughed and said, "Ha ha ha! Everybody in the clan has a cell phone! And actually, everybody in Konoha has one!"…Well everyone except you that is." Itachi told him to shut up and went into the building, ignoring Shisui and plotting his revenge. _

**A**fter he got back from his mission, he walked to Holiday Inn, the hotel Deidara was staying in with her parents while they were on vacation. Deidara was waiting for him in the lobby, as planned. Itachi asked, "So you said you had something I could use to get back at them?" Deidara grinned, "Oh, but of course!"

_The two walked into Deidara's hotel room. Deidara's parents were there and they asked, "Deidara! Who is that!" Deidara gave them a blank stare. "Oh… This is my best friend…..uhmm..Itachi, yeah. Ya know the one I told you about." Her mother and Father said, "Oh, the boy who needed some of our weapons of mass destruction, which we stole from the FBI! Well you know where we keep them Dei. Go give him some." Deidara grinned, "Un, yeah!" _

_Deidara and Itachi went into an adjoining hotel room and Dei pulled out a big black suitcase. She opened it and inside were all the illegal weapons on the face of the Earth. "Pretty cool, ain't it?", Deidara smirked, and then said, "Well here ya go. Have fun!...yeah!" Itachi was in shock from seeing all the weapons. "Oh, and Itachi, don't tell anyone you saw any of this…or I'll kill you…now go." _

_**T**hat night Itachi killed Shisui and went home with a terrible headache, so he went straight to bed. "Wow, those illegal weapons I got from Dei sure came in handy." He fell asleep that night and accidentally left the suitcase of weapons open on his floor. _

_**T**he next morning, his father was standing by his bed with an extremely angry look on his face and a piece of wood. "I'm gonna beat you with this till you bleed," said his father. "What are you talking about?", asked Itachi groggily. "You know damn well what I'm talking about boy!", yelled his father. Itachi then remembered the weapons. "Oh, I'm sorry Otousan...They-they aren't mine! I'm just keeping them for a friend, and-" "I've had enough of this Itachi. You're going to military school, and that's final." _

_Itachi's father grabbed the suitcase and brought it outside, where he threw it on the lawn. Itachi jumped out of bed and ran after him, but it was too late- all he could do was watch as his father burned the illegal weapons, and they exploded like fireworks on the 4th of July- realllly big fireworks. _

_**T**hat night after his father beat him Itachi killed his parents, and everyone in his clan except Sasuke(who wasn't allowed to have a cell phone either), all because he couldn't have a damn cell phone._

"**T**hose memories bring back pain….and I wonder what ever happened to that girl Deidara I used to know… Hmm..I had wanted to thank her. And introduce her to the Deidara I know now- she'd love meeting someone with her name... Oh well." Itachi then took 299 of the 300 stolen cell phones that he had, and left to sell them on the black market.

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Well, I hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will be out soon, and will focus on Gaara. Remember to review please:)


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, well here it is, finally! Sorry it took so long to update, but the person I'm collaborating on this with was away for a while.

Anyway, as I said, this chapter's main focus is Gaara- though other characters appear a lot too. Don't take offense at the humor made on Gaara's behalf- I mean no offense to fans, and it's meant to just be plain funny.

Anyway, enjoy, and thank you to those who have reviewed! You have already received personalized review replies from me.. Everyone else- please review! Even just a few words! Let me know who you want to see in the story,I'll take requests...

**Disclaimer:** As I said before, I don't own Naruto, or any of the characters, places, etc. I and my friend own this plot though(I doubt Kishimoto would want to).

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_**Everybody Needs A Sidekick!**_

_**Chapter 2**_

**D**ing dong "Gaara. That weird friend of yours is here." Temari called out. Gaara walked out of his room and as he passed Temari he said, "It's not Gaara it's Garden Elf Gnome." Temari looked at him strangely as he went out the door and she closed it behind him. "Hmm, maybe I should watch him. The last time he came back home he was wearing a dress and had three bottles of beer, and then he called me 'cow'." Temari stopped and thought for a moment. Then she went into her room, got dressed, and walked out the door.

"I think he was going to the movies with that weirdo. Ugh...there are 2 movie theatres in our village! And I know he'd go to see anything." Temari walked into all the theatres and asked the workers if they had seen the Kazekage come into the theatre. And…they all said no.

"Damn that little boy! Damn him to hell! I bet he's at a bar or something." Temari paused to think. "I know! He's probably shopping at Claire's. He loves that store, and last night he was complaining that he wanted me to take him to the mall because they have these new hair-care products..."

**T**emari ran to the mall, and then went to Claire's. Yet Gaara wasn't there. Then she looked in Limited Too, and there he was, shopping. Shopping for _girls' clothes_. Temari walked over to him. "Gaara what are you doing here! If you haven't noticed, this is a _girl's_ store." Gaara paused, a mini-skirt in hand, and looked at her shocked. "You're just trying to ruin my fun, because you're upset that you don't have any friends!" Temari stared at him. "I have friends…" She thought for a second, "I think." Temari's cell phone rang.

"Ugh! Who the hell is calling me now!" Gaara gave her a dirty look. 'First she's trying to ruin my fun, and now she trying to make me jealous by flashing her cell phone at me!' Gaara and Deidara walked out of the store with 10 bags, leaving Temari. "Look, Shikamaru, right now is really the worst time you could ever call me. I'll call you back later. Bye."

Temari ran after Gaara. She followed him and then, Temari froze in total shock. Gaara and Deidara entered…Victoria's Secret. Temari thought in her mind, 'Does he still even remember that he's a _guy_! Even I won't shop there!' Temari stepped inside. "Ah! My eyes! It burns!" Then she saw Sakura and Ino go in. As Sakura passed by she muttered, "And I thought she was a girl…"

**G**aara walked out of the store holding Ino and Deidara's hands. "Yeah, so then what happened?", Ino said to Gaara. Then Deidara stopped. "No! Yeah is my word…yeah!" "Calm down bff…", Gaara said softly to Deidara.

**T**hey walked out of the mall, leaving Sakura alone and lost in Victoria's Secret(since it was her first time at the new mall) and Temari frantically following them. They got into Deidara's Corvette and Temari jumped on top of it. They drove super fast and Temari almost fell off the top of the car. Then Deidara heard police car sirens from behind her. "Ah! They're after us! Everybody jump!"

Deidara, Gaara, and Ino jumped out of the car, and it crashed into a tree. Then Gaara screamed, "Eek! I broke a nail!" Ino screamed and quickly started looking through her purse. "Here you go Gaara. A pink nail filer!" Gaara started filing like there was no tomorrow. Temari watched them from behind a bush, and then, her cell phone rang- again. "Ah! Wait I know that ring tone…it's my sister's." Gaara squinted his eyes. "When I say run, just follow me… Oh and if I go slow it's 'cause I don't wanna ruin my new heels. Gaara ran and Ino and Dei followed. Temari ran after them while answering her phone, "Hello? Ah! Shikamaru! I told you I'd call you back later…I don't care if you're bored!"

She hung up and then made duplicates of herself to chase after Gaara, Ino, and Dei. They ran all the way to a cell phone shop, hurrying inside. Temari went after them, when it suddenly dawned on her that Gaara was going to buy a phone. He pulled out Temari's wallet, and inside was $1000.00. She screamed in horror, "Gaara! You bastard give me my wallet right now, or I'll kill you!" "Don't make me go Garden Elf Gnome on you sister!" Ino ran over to look at the Pink Phat cell phones and Deidara went outside to mug people for money so she could get another cell phone.

**T**emari and Gaara continued fighting over Temari's wallet, which he had somehow stolen before leaving home earlier. Then…Gaara turned into the Garden Elf Gnome! The whole store was destroyed and all the cell phones were crushed. Temari pulled out her fan and used Kirikiri Mai and then the K-mart next door was destroyed too. Gaara grabbed Ino out of a pile of rubble, and threw her at Temari. Ino screamed so loud that even a hobo in New York heard her. Temari opened her fan and Ino landed safely on it. Then Temari gently slid her off onto the ground.

Thinking quickly of how to get her money back without dying, Temari made a call and Naruto rushed to the scene. He managed to lecture and beat up Garden Elf Gnome, then left to go get some ramen. All seemed right in the world, finally, but before Temari got a chance to grab Gaara, or her wallet from his hands, he shakily got up and ran off to another cell phone store.

**H**e didn't waste any time, and just as Temari ran in the shop's door after him, purchased a new Pink Phat cell phone, for $300. "YES! I FINALLY GOT ONE!", he shouted as he left the store, ramming his way past Temari in his glee, and knocking her over.

Temari snapped out of her shock pretty fast, and went over to where Gaara was standing, showing off all of the phone's new features to Deidara and Ino. She hit him on the head with her fan, and angrily dragged him home. Ino followed them, and Deidara returned to Akatsuki, not wanting to get involved in anything with Gaara's scary sister.

**W**hen they got back to Temari, Gaara, and Kankurou's house, Temari went to her room and Gaara and Ino went to Gaara's room to gossip. Temari walked to her room to put her fan away and hide Gaara's new phone, sighing frustratedly.

As she reached for the door handle she heard something very disturbing coming from Gaara's room. Temari froze, with her hand halfway to the doorknob, in shocked silence. "Like, oh. My. God. Like today I found this cute little skirt and this adorable hot pink tank top, and just had to buy them! And then I found this like fashionable designer purse, that went perfect with them, but I couldn't get it 'cause it didn't have a cell phone holder. I mean c'mon, like, really! Eh, so like I couldn't buy it… and it was so cheap too, only seven hundred dollars…" The voice sounded like a perky Beverly Hills school girl. And this really wouldn't have been so disturbing either, if it had been Ino talking.

Temari stepped closer to the door. There was total silence. And then she heard faint footsteps. Gaara slammed his door open and popped out at Temari extremely fast saying, "Oh! My! Gosh! Stop listening to my conversations! I need some privacy too ya know, bitch!"

Temari fell when Gaara popped out, and she quickly got up and ran into her room slamming the door shut behind her.

"**W**here were you?.." Sasori was sitting in his rocking chair watching 60 Minutes, all traces of his gangsta get-up and the rap video gone. "I, um…" Sasori just stared at Deidara and muted the TV, waiting for an answer. "I.. I was out scouting for jinchuurikis…yeah! Yeah, that's right.." Itachi passed by the room, heading for his bedroom, and said indifferently, "She was out with Garden Elf Gnome." Deidara looked from Sasori to Itachi, and back again nervously, then said, "No, yeah! I was scouting for jinchuuriki, yeah, really! That Kazekage kid from Suna is one, so I was gaining his trust!" "Hmph, good. Because we'll be going on our mission to catch him soon. Now shut up so I can watch my show- they have a special on tonight about Alzheimer's disease!"

Sasori looked back at the TV, "Oh! Goodie! There's a special tonight about hair loss…and it's on!" Deidara looked at him like he was high or something, and walked off into her room.

**L**ater on that evening, as Itachi, Kisame, and Sasori were watching 'America's Most Wanted', and laughing their heads off at the stupidity of some criminals, the doorbell rang.

"Kisame, get the door." Itachi said, eyes never even moving from the screen.(Sasori was dozing in his rocking chair, oblivious to everything). "What! Why me? Why not get Sasori to get the door?.." A glance at the sleeping puppet, and he quickly added, "Or.. or Zetsu! He's right in the kitchen, jus' sittin' there, an' loves to answer the door!.."

Itachi finally tore his eyes away from the screen, and glared at Kisame as though he were explaining something to a 5 year old- a very stupid 5 year old. "Zetsu has eaten three mailmen already this week, and the post office is threatening to stop delivery. I am waiting for an important package, as well as a cell phone rebate, and therefore Zetsu may not answer the door."

Itachi gave one final death glare, and turned back to 'America's Most Wanted', entranced by how the serial killer had chosen his victims because of their brand of cell phone.

Kisame grumpily got up. "Fine I'll get the damn door…" When he was safely out of earshot of Itachi, he added under his breath, "Damn cell phone obsessed freak.."

When Kisame answered the door, he found a little red-haired boy standing there, glaring up at him with a look to rival Itachi's. 'Oh God, not another one..', he thought. "Listen kid, whoever the hell ya are, we don't wanna buy any." Kisame started closing the door again, when suddenly, the kid spoke, in a deep and serious voice, "I'm Garden Elf Gnome, and I'm here for Deidara." Kisame didn't know whether to burst out laughing, or run away in fear and call a mental hospital on this kid- he _couldn't_ be serious…

As Kisame stood there, mouth hanging open, trying to think of something- anything- to say to this weirdo, Gaara just walked right past the confused sharkman and into Akatsuki Headquarters.

As he walked around the backs of the living room chairs and into the hall, Itachi called out, still not daring to tear his eyes from the TV for even a moment, "Kisame, who was at the door? Was it my new shipment of 'supplies'?" When no answer came, Itachi waited, anger at Kisame and his insolence growing, until the commercial break when Itachi finally got up.

"I asked who was at the door. I expect an answer. Also, what are you still doing standing here?", Itachi asked, anger lacing his voice when he finally found Kisame at the door. "I.. Uh.." Kisame shook his head, trying to get rid of the horrible mental images. "There was this kid… Kinda looked like Sasori, an' he said his name was 'Garden Elf Gnome' or somethin'. An' after that…. I don't know. It was so horrible though…" Itachi stared at him for a moment, then said humorlessly, "Did he look like a real garden elf gnome?" "What the hell!... That's it, I'm goin' out for a drink- you people are all nutcases."

**M**eanwhile, Gaara had found his way to Deidara's room, and was knocking on her door. "Shut up, yeah! I'm trying to sleep!.." Deidara muttered from inside. "Deidara, open up, it's me Garden Elf Gnome." Gaara said quietly.

Movement could suddenly be heard from inside, and a moment later, Deidara threw open the door. Gaara walked into Deidara's room and they talked, for hours and hours and hours and hours.

**F**inally Gaara was leaving the room. "Yeah, so tomorrow we're gonna go to the mall, movies, theme park, ramen shop, flower shop, Ino's house, then go get manicures, and then sleep over at my house. I think I'm gonna call Temari right now and tell her to pick up some candy and movies." Deidara's eyes filled with joy, "Ok Garden Elf Gnome, I'll call you later then." Gaara realized something and he reached into his pocket, "Oh, and here is the invitation to my Sweet 16! It's next month, and the theme is rainbows and pink ponies!" Gaara gave her the invitation, then added, "Oh, and I'm having Usher come to sing!" Deidara jumped with glee. "I'll definitely be there!..Yeah!"

Gaara skipped happily out of Dei's room. Deidara followed him, trying to make sure that none of the other Akatsuki members noticed him, as he went out the door.

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Well, that's it. The next chapter will focus on Gaara again- sorry!- because I couldn't fit everything I wanted to into this chapter. After that, focus will move more to Naruto and friends(Sakura and Sasuke). And of course Itachi is always involved, since he has to steal all the cell phones in the land. He didn't have much action at all this chapter though, I know. Sorry 'bout that too, but he'll get more action next chapter. Hope you enjoyed! And please review:) 


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, well here's Chapter 3!

It focuses on Gaara and Itachi a lot... With a bit of Neji too! Either next chapter or Chapter 5 will have lots of action with him.. and coming up next chapter for sure are Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke... But for now, enjoy this chapter!

Oh, and before I get reviews yelling at me, let me resolve something... Yes, Deidara is female in this story. As far as I know, although most people think Deidara is male, there is no solid proof to prove Deidara's gender one way or the other 100 for sure. So... in this story, I'm writing with Deidara being a girl, and in my otherNaruto story, Deidara will be male- to appease everyone! If youhappen to be one of those crazy fangirls who like want to marry DeiDei or something, then I don't know if you'll want to read this or not... But try to deal with Dei being a girl in this story, and don't take offense!

I really want you to enjoy the fic! Please read and review:)

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_**Everybody Needs A Sidekick!**_

_**Chapter 3**_

**L**ater that evening, Gaara ran excitedly into Yamanaka Flower Shop.

"Hey pig! Guess what! I'm getting a Sidekick!" Gaara grinned proudly and waited to hear Ino's praise and jealously pour out.

"Take that back bitch! I'm not a pig! Besides, your sis already took away your phone idiot!" Ino's face looked angry, but the Botox she had gotten the day before made it hard to frown. Ino 'Hmphed' and threw flowers at Gaara in anger… but he took it the wrong way.

"Oh thank you Ino! Free flowers! You're the best! I can use these for my theme… I'm gonna go show Temari and maybe she'll change her mind about thinking you and Dei are a bad influence on me! …" Gaara picked up the flowers and turned to go, then quickly remembered his other reason for being there. "Oh and here is an invitation to my Sweet 16! Rainbows and pink ponies, and you _have_ to be part of my 'court'! We're going dress shopping next week!" Gaara gave her the invitation and then ran home.

"**T**emari-chan! Temari-chan! Temari you bitch get down here!" Temari came storming down the stairs murmuring curses, fan ready in hand.

"What do you want Gaara?" Temari put her hands on her hips and gave him a dirty look. "Look! Ino gave me free flowers! See she's a good friend!" Temari glared at him, "I'm sure she just threw them at you in anger."

Temari turned around and started walking away. Then she felt something heavy jump onto her back, and she fell to the floor. She looked up and saw Gaara on her back yelling, "C'mon horsey! Let's go!" Temari slipped herself out from under him and slapped him, "Go on my back again like that again and you won't be able to talk or eat for a month!" Gaara's face lit up, "Yay! You're gonna give me a makeover, and a facelift! Oh thank you Temari-chan!"

Temari walked up the stairs and went into her room, shaking her head in disbelief the whole way. She picked up her cell phone and called Shikamaru- she needed some sensible conversation desperately.

**L**ater that evening Gaara walked up to Temari's room. He banged on her door loudly, "Temari-chan! Get out here lazy ass! Temari you big fat bitch!"

Temari slammed her door open, "What! I was sleeping you gay ogre! It's 1 a.m. bastard!" Gaara paused, frightened, and then got all perky again, "Well I have to tell you something important! There's this party tonight and you need to drive me!" Temari looked at him like he had 57 eyes, "No."

"Oh puh-lease Temari!", Gaara grabbed her foot. Then he thought for a second. "Oh! Temari! Go get your kimono on! Sasuke said he would take you!" Temari paused, "Oh my god really! I'll go get ready!" "Ha ha ha! Sucka!" ,Gaara whispered. Gaara ran into his room and changed into his strapless lavender dress. And he didn't hesitate to completely doll himself out with make-up too.

Temari walked out of her room with her black knee length kimono on ready to go. "Gaara! Gaara!" Gaara came running out of his room tripping because he had 6-inch heels on. Temari looked at him shocked and disgusted and started walking back to her room.

"Oh no you don't Tem. You're going!" Gaara grabbed something out of his pocket quickly, lifted it up to his mouth and blew in it. A sleeping dart shot out of it headed for Temari. She turned around and it hit her, right in the shoulder. She fell to the ground saying, "I'll get you bitch."

Gaara dragged her out to the waiting limo. He got in and said, "Drive ugly!" Kankurou sitting in the driver's seat said, frightened, "Yes master!"

**T**hey drove for about 15 minutes and finally arrived at the night club where the party was taking place.

"Aaahh! The 'free cell phone give-away' party! My dream come true!" Gaara bolted from the car and ran into the club, and to the exclusive room where the party was being held, dragging Temari across the floor behind him. He was the first in line to get a cell phone.

"Two celly phoneys beesh!" The man gave him one. "Sorry kid only one per person." Gaara was shocked, "But look! I have my sister with me!"

Gaara threw Temari on the table, "See!" The man looked at him, "We don't give dead carcasses cell phones. Now leave!" "What! She's not dead! See!" Gaara picked her up and started moving her arms and said, "Howdy do! I'm alive and I need a cell phone! So be nice and give me one!"

The man took out a gun and said, "Look kid, get out of here or I'll use this!" Gaara spit at the man and left Temari there, forgetting all about her as he fondled his new cell phone. The man looked at her and then went into a room behind the cell phone selling stand.

**W**hile he was gone, and while the bouncers were keeping everyone else from entering the club till he got back, a mysterious, dark figure passed by the cell phone table. He stared for a second, trying to deny the temptation, then grabbed every single cell phone the club was giving away and stashed them into his cloak, walking back in to the main part of the club. 'Who would dare have an exclusive 'cell phone party' without _the_ Uchiha Itachi anyway? The nerve of some people!..', he thought as he walked out of the private room.

**T**he worker returned moments later. "Well, the Leaf and Mist village people should be here soon..and since that ass left the girl here, maybe I could sell her!" The man made a sign and not to much later all the elite chunnin and jounin from Konoha, who'd been invted to the exclusive party were there waiting to get cell phones.

The bouncers let the first few party-goers in, and as the man reached for a phone, he realized they weren't there. In his shock and horror he quickly thought of something to appease the club's customers, and announced, "I have this girl for sale! Bidding starts at $500!"

Kakashi looked at her and then yelled to the man, "What can she do?" "Anything… and at anytime too!" The man said enthusiastically.

Kakashi promptly bid $550. And then everyone else started bidding, the cell phone giveaway forgotten.

**N**ot too long after, the bidding ended and Temari was sold- without knowing it- for $3457 to Neji. After the party, Neji threw Temari into the back seat of his limo and he sat in the passenger seat harassing the driver, "So then he was like no way, and I was like yes way." "Please sir, just shut up!", the driver said extremely irritated, "I think you've talked enough for today." Neji snapped his fingers in the driver's face angrily, but shut up the rest of the way home.

**M**eanwhile, although Neji had left to take Temari back to his place, the party was still in full swing. Gaara was having a great time dancing and hanging out with Ino, who had just arrived, showing off his new cell phone. All thoughts of his sister were long forgotten. After a while, Gaara figured he'd better go check his make-up and freshen up, and so left the room to go find the powder room, fondling his cell phone the entire way.

**I**tachi walked back to the table he'd been sitting at in the main room of the club and sat down. "So, ya get what ya want?.." Kisame asked over his 10th drink of the night, speech slurred so he was almost unintelligible.

"Yes, of course." Itachi answered simply, as he took out a few of the cell phones and laid them on the table for Kisame to see. "However, I am quite disconcerted at the guest list for this party.." "Ah, don' worry 'bout it! They obviously aren't good 'nough to have ya there!" Kisame said, grabbing Itachi's arm in his drunken stupor, and patting it in sympathy. Itachi threw off Kisame's grasp, and quickly gave him the biggest death glare ever. "Do. Not. Touch my person. Ever." Itachi said angrily as he put his cell phones back away.

"We've been here long enough; let's go." Kisame was on the verge of tears from that glare, but nodded solemnly and quickly finished his drink.

Just as he stood up, tottering back and forth and almost falling over, Itachi grabbed his arm with such force that he fell back into his seat, breaking it and falling to the floor. "The hell!.."

"Kisame… Is that?.. That boy there. In his hands, he's carrying a Sidekick, is he not!.." Itachi gasped in wonder and excitement. But it was the lopsided smile on his face that really terrified Kisame. As he lay in a fetal position on the floor, telling himself it was all just a dream, Itachi walked off towards the boy. Just as Gaara was about to enter the powder room, make-up already in hand, Itachi stepped in front of him.

Gaara stopped and quickly gave him a death stare, "Get out of my way lady I was gonna go in there first!" Itachi glared at him and replied, "I'm not a lady…" "Oh, so you're a girl!.." "No. I'm a guy… and I'm not going into the powder room. I was just wondering if I could use your side-kick little girl."

"Oh my god! Girls! Girls! This guy wants to go into the powder room!" Ino ran over, followed by other girls. Ino grabbed Gaara arm for a moment, but when she realized what was happening, she and almost everybody screamed and Ino and several other girls fainted.

The rest of the screeching girls came to help them, yelling at Itachi, "You perverted bastard!" "Ew freak, how dare you!" "Some guys just have no class!" "Die you freakin' rapist!" and hitting him with their purses. Gaara screeched and skipped away to his limo. And right before he left the building he yelled, "I'm not a girl! I'm a girly man!"

Itachi sighed for a moment, then reached up and pulled his hair out of its ponytail, swishing it around in the strange and sudden breeze that wafted through the room. Suddenly, the crazed girls stopped beating him. And just stared. "Oh my gosh!" "He's sooo hot…." "I want his number!"

**A**s the girls fawned over Itachi's Kage Bunshin, he made his way over to Kisame and left. Gaara was just getting into his limo as the two Akatsuki members made their way out of the club. Itachi let go of Kisame, who fell to the ground, totally wasted, as he transformed himself to look like Ino(he'd realized they must be friends from the way she responded to Gaara's cries near the powder room).

"**B**rush faster!", Neji demanded while putting on cosmetic lotions. "I don't know how I got here and how you supposedly bought me but I swear I'll get out!", Temari yelled. "Shut up and brush! I'm getting a photo shoot done tomorrow with Sasuke! And I have to look absolutely gorgeous and my hair has to go according to the Three P's!" Temari looked at him puzzled… does that mean piss… pocket.. and pot-", Temari got cut off, "No! It means pretty, plush, and posh! So hurry up with the brushing!"

"**U**m, hey! Where're you going?.. Can I look at your Sidekick for a sec?.."

Gaara turned at the voice, and found Ino standing next to his limo. "Hey, ugly, wait a sec.", he commanded Kankurou, who had been about to drive away. Turning and switching back over to a perky voice, Gaara said, "Sure Ino. But hey! Get in; I totally forgot we were supposed to have a sleepover tonight!"

Gaara grabbed the Henged Ino and started pulling 'her' into the car. "I'm sorry, but no." Ino replied in a serious voice. "I.. I have other plans."

"Oh, pee-shaw! I know you're just playing around… But really though, you _have_ to see the new purse I bought after you left earlier! Only $500! But I couldn't wear it tonight because it _so_ clashed with my dress!.."

Gaara looked like he was about to cry about his poor purse, as Itachi-henged-as-Ino still tried to pull away. Damn that kid had a strong grip. "Um.. no, I really have no interest in a sleepover tonight." "You talk funny Ino! But ah, guess you just got all partied out! But c'mon, you _so have_ to come back to my place!"

With that, Gaara gave a final tug and pulled Itachi into the limo. "Drive ugly.", he commanded Kankurou, back in his low and angry voice. Itachi meanwhile sat there in the back of the limo, completely disgusted, as far as he could get from Gaara, as the boy tried to show 'Ino' his new designer shoes, and explained for what seemed like forever where he had bought his make-up.

Itachi looked back helplessly, wondering why Kisame wasn't doing anything to help him retrieve his cell phone and escape, but as the limo turned the corner, he saw him still lying there on the ground. Damn, this was going to be a long night. If he didn't get the boy's cell phone after this, _lots_ of people were going to die.

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Well, I hope you enjoyed! Next chapter is coming soon! Please read and review, and let me know who you'd like to see in future chapters too:) 


	4. Chapter 4

Ack, sorry for not updating in so long!!My fellow writer has been busy, and kind of lost interest in the story for a while. But now she's back to write with me, so we'll be updating probably every 2 weeks.

This chapter is about Itachi's long and arduous plight to get that damned Sidekick off of Gaara. I want to thank everyone for their support and reviews, even though this hasn't been updated in so long. Someone said in a review that they didn't like the story because of the focus on cell phones though- well, every story has to have a plot, and a subject that it's based on. The problem in this story just happens to be about cell phones, because it's funny. I'm sorry that you disliked that!**  
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_**Everybody Needs A Sidekick! **_

_**Chapter 4**_

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**T**hey drove up to Gaara's house and came to a stop, "Like wow! We're here!!", Gaara yelled in enthusiasm. Gaara ran into the house pulling Ino behind him.

"Temari!! Temari!!", called Gaara, "Hmm…maybe she's out…with her boyfriend. Her dirty, disgusting, selfish, lazy, crab-ass boyfriend Shikamaru!!!" Gaara gripped Ino's arm extremely tightly. And 'she' screamed so high dogs outside started barking. "Oh! Ino what happened?! Did your make-up get smudged?! Here I'll go get a wet towel!!" 'Ino' fell down clutching her painful arm, "I am going to kill that child…and get his sidekick."

**G**aara came back into the main entrance hall carrying not only a towel but two pairs of fuzzy pink slippers, fashion magazines, make-up and nail polish, hair accessories, and little plushies of him, Ino, Temari, and Kankurou. "Ino! I'm back!", exclaimed Gaara in an extra perky voice. 'Ino' looked at all of the pink stuff he had in his hands and almost vomited.

"Uh..heh, who is that for..?", said 'Ino' with shock in her voice. "Psh! Us silly!" Ino stumbled and started hyperventilating. "Oh my God I need to get out of here now.." She turned around and ran towards the front door. Gaara shouted, "Ugly!", and Kankurou quickly blocked Ino's exit.

Gaara had an evil expression on his face and he walked toward Ino and Kankurou, "Now I'm mad.." His face got all red. He clutched Ino's arm and threw her into pile of bags from Abercrombie. Then he went over to Kankurou, "You, make me so angry! You're so ugly I just want to rip my beautiful eyelashes out!"

Kankurou looked scared and confused, "But master, you don't have eyelashes…or eyebrows. Heh.." Gaara got even madder than before; he clutched Kankurou's throat and with his sand threw Kankurou back against the limo outside so hard that the metal wrapped around his entire body. Blood began to gush everywhere.

Gaara looked at him in disgust. "Oh my God, and I thought you where ugly before?! Oh God..so appalling! Ugh! Where's Temari?! I am NOT cleaning that up! Ew…" Gaara turned to Ino, "Do you like even know where that thing has been? I use it to clean the toilet and underneath the seats in the limo, and who knows what's under there. That thing could have AIDs, yuck!" Gaara slammed the double-doors shut leaving Kankurou to bleed.

**A** few minutes later a knock came at the door. Gaara walked over, and said, "Ugly I swear if it's you, you will have no food for three months!"

A high-pitched voice answered, "Are you like calling me ugly…yeah?! Uh like Pshh, I am so not ugly, I was in Fairy-topia magazine, and on the cover of ShinobiChic last month!" Gaara opened the door, immediately switching back to his perky voice, "Oh! Come in darling! Like, Ino and me have had such a good time so far!"

Deidara walked in, "Hey Ino..yeah!" Ino was going through Gaara's purse looking for his side-kick. "Uh..sure, what-ever." Ino continued looking.

"Wow you must have like, not gone shopping in a while to be in that kind of mood." Gaara grabbed Deidara and 'Ino' by the arm then they went upstairs.

**T**he real Ino meanwhile had recovered from her fainting spell, and called Gaara on his designer Side-kick. "Hey! Gaara we still on for that sleep-over tonight?" Gaara replied, "Psh, poser stop!" Gaara hung up. "…Uh, Gaara? Are you still there? And I am so not a poser, go to Sakura if you want to see one." Ino hung up the phone.

Deidara who was painting her nails hot pink asked, "Who was that, like yeah.." Gaara walked over and got some make-up, "Probably Sakura, you know that guy I hate with the pink hair? She/he was totally posing as Ino I mean like ugh! Sakura isn't even close to as preppy and pretty as Ino is, am I right girls?!"

Deidara looked up, "Oh my God yeah!" 'Ino' just sat there, all depressed and made a very low growling noise. Gaara looked at Ino's face which was very ugly because of her angry look. "Ah! Ino! Try on some make-up! Your make-up is all blah!"

**A** couple of hours passed and Gaara turned on the TV. "Oh look! The History of Cell Phones is on!"

Ino's face became red, "Can we please watch something else…!" Deidara looked at Ino like she was on drugs, "Wow, see Gaara this is what happens when you don't go shopping for two days in a row." Deidara turned on channel 3, "Oh look my favorite soap!" Gaara's face lit up, "Really what is it called?!" "As the Cell Rings."

**T**hey kept on talking, and talking for hours on end, skipping through 999 channels. Finally on channel 999 there was a show about boxes. 'Ino' let out a sigh of relief, glad not to have to focus on 'her' failure to get Gaara's phone, and said, "Thank God, no more cell phones." Then the show talked about how you make boxes for cell phones.

Ino started twitching and then picked up all the nail polish and threw it at the walls. Gaara looked at her, then at the walls. He almost cried, "Ino…your decorating…is...just so…beautiful!!" Deidara smiled brightly, "Yeah, I absolutely love it! How did you ever come up with that style, such a good form of art! Yeah!! Wow, I wish I had your talent..yeah!"

They both walked over to Ino and hugged 'her'. Oddly enough, 'Ino' some what smiled, the first in a long, long time. Deidara fell asleep and Gaara put on fuzzy pink ear muffs and a sleeping mask to rest. Itachi drifted off, thinking happily to himself, "I…I feel so loved, and wanted..!"

**I**tachi woke up with a start, having returned to his normal self. He took Gaara's cell phone and left the house. He walked to the limo, forgetting that it was demolished. He saw Kankuro still there, "Ew. It's Ugly." Grudgingly, he decided to walk back to Akatsuki headquarters, fondling his new designer Side-kick cell phone.

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Heh, I know the chapter was short, and only focused on 3 characters... Sorry about that!! Next chapter will be longer, and focus on more people. And remember, if there's a Naruto character you wanna see in this story, let us know!! We're willing to include any character in the story. Hope you enjoyed!!! Review:) 


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